collecting my thoughts

The process of making a cup of tea in the workplace has recently become more pleasurable than actually drinking it. I’ve moved office and now to make a drink I have to go to the store room in the college library where new books are kept whilst the process of cataloguing takes its measured course.

Yesterday I was intrigued by a book called ‘Inflagrante Collecto (caught in the act of collecting)’. I had to return at lunchtime to have a good browse. I liked the statement “humanity can be divided into two parts: those who collect and the others”. I belong to the first group and therefore have some empathy with those who collect the irrelevant, worthless minutiae that this book illustrates. What was really fascinating was the realisation that nothing is off limits. I’ve heard of people who collect shopping lists (found in supermarket trolleys) but hadn’t considered airline safety instructions as items for a collection. How does that work? And do people who collect air sickness bags (apparently there are such people) book flights because they don’t have a bag from Qatar Air for example? Do they go to swap meets? What do these people look like? How near to insanity are the folk who collect the tiny ‘Inspected by’ slips that you find in clothing or cheap electrical goods (often made in China)?

What about Lost Pet poster collectors (surely these people need psychiatric help) – is there a code of conduct that says don’t remove the poster for your collection until it has served its purpose? How does the collector know when that is?

“Oh hello, I’m ringing to see if you ever found your missing cat”
“No, Skimbleshanks never returned – have you found him?”
“No – but is it OK if I take down the poster to put in my collection?”
“F*** OFF you sick bastard”

The strangest things that I have collected are Google gifs – the special occasion designs that give the well known logo a new persona for the day. I can justify this – I’m hoping to get our graphics students to undertake a Google gif design challenge and my examples will illustrate the possibilities. That may just be an excuse though – how do I know what the real reason is? Am I clinically insane already?

I’m now into week 2 of my ‘Severe Disruption’ sentence (a 6 week driving ban) – I’m supposed to be grateful that my powers of eloquence and persuasion convinced the magistrates to slash the usual 6 month minimum ban.

The day after my court appearance the front page article in The Times tells me that assaulting a policeman will be one of a range of offences which will be dealt with by an automatic fine (of up to £100) from next year, thus relieving the strain on the courts. That made me feel good – I was subjected to 6 weeks ‘Severe Disruption’ and given a £185 fine for driving at 38mph (in an area that I assumed to be 40mph) whereas if I’d smacked a policeman instead, I would have saved at least £85 and wouldn’t have had to go to court. Isn’t it frustrating when you know something is completely stupid but the government is so out of touch with reality that they have no idea about the real world. Some of those guys need serious counselling.

Finally, please be very wary of any Surrealists in your neighbourhood. Whilst waiting for this morning’s Taylors of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea to brew I picked up a publication called Surrealism with an eye opening Andre Breton quote on the back cover. He must have been having a bad day when he came out with this shocker

"the simplest surrealist act consists of going into the street with revolvers in your fist and shooting blindly into the crowd as much as possible. Anyone who has never felt the desire to deal thus with the current wretched principle of humiliation and stultification clearly belongs in this crowd himself with his belly at bullet height."

I wonder if the police maintain a register of known Surrealists? These folk must be watched closely!

WARNING: this entry contains Adult Content
Looking up the Skirts

Woke up yesterday to a strange clicking sound. Sat up in bed - Wusty was doing that thing cats do just before being sick - had to move quickly (he was ON the bed) - shoed him off but wasn’t quick enough to avoid a dessert spoonful of bile on the duvet. That’s the way to wake up eh - sod lying there like a vegetable for 10 mins figuring out what day it is, bursting for a pee but not able to interest the brain / body into firing up into full waking mode. No, a wretching cat on the bed is is definitely much more effective.

Whilst dwelling on bedroom matters - in the post was an invitation to give blood in town this week and, to speed up the process, I can fill in the Donor Health Check before I attend. They keep adjusting the ‘Lifestyle’ questions - and they get ever more intrusive and graphic.
e.g. (to be answered by men only) ‘In the last twelve months have you ever had oral or anal sex with another man with or without a condom or other form of protection?’ As it happens, I'm happy to say a very clear NO to that. (Unfortunately I don’t need to give much thought to any of their other ‘Lifestyle’ questions. Whilst this is not a cause for rejoicing, it does make this Donor Health Check a snap to complete). I couldn’t help but wonder why women weren’t asked if they’d had oral (or anal?) sex with another woman - surely lesbians can carry HIV as effectively as homosexuals? Anyway, here’s the point. When I’m sitting in the row of people this week waiting to make my noble sacrifice, I’ll find it hard not to look around at the guys and think “what an unadventurous lot we all are. In the last 12 months none of us have found comfort with a prostitute and there's not a single cocksucker amongst us”. Now where else, in the company of total strangers, could you say that with certainty?

During a lunchbreak at work last week I logged onto the website of a band that I’d heard in a US podcast and who I wanted to include in my next show. They are a great band with a strange name - Modern Skirts. (Listen to www.DarkhorseRadio.com - show 34 to hear the song of theirs that I played in the UK's best music podcast). About an hour after lunch I had a visitor from a female teacher. I had to look something up for her on the internet and as soon as I switched to Explorer there was the word Skirts for us both to see. Obviously I was totally nonchalant and kept a conversation going whilst waiting (it seemed an age) for the new page to clear the band’s site, but she probably thinks that I spend my days looking at fetish sites on the web and that’s not good for my street cred.

On Wednesday I have to attend a magistrates court in Wales (the country of my last offence) to find out if I will be banned from driving (it's almost a formality). I’ll need to practice humility and respect for the next couple of days, …………………wait a minute though, everyone must do that! Do you think they’d be impressed if I went in with a bit more 'attitude' and asked which one of them had never been caught in a police radar trap? Send me your suggestions - I’ll post another blog when the great and good have decided my fate.

don’t throw away your Yahbas …….. yet

‘In ear’ earbuds. A stupid name which suggests that some earbuds are ‘out of ear’ in defiance of all logic. The ‘in ear’ label means that they have silicone attachments which jam a bit further into the ear cavity – thus offering the wearer greater confidence that they will remain in place. Apparently by delivering the audio deeper into the ear there is also a reduction of external sound combined with enhanced bass reproduction. Impressive stuff eh! Actually, the fact that they do tend to stay in place is good enough for me – I just can’t achieve that with standard buds.

There is a catch however – the silicone attachments come off too easily. The first time you notice one is missing you can’t help checking to see if it’s jammed into your ear – an exorbitant auditory impediment as Dr Iannis described it in Captain Corelli (your summer homework is to read that book if you haven’t already). Needless to say, it NEVER is to be found in the ear – usually it never is to be found at all. Without the attachment the earbud can’t be used – it won’t stay in place, it’s uncomfortable and the sound is badly compromised.

Now, regrettably and controversially, I shall suggest that you avoid Yahba in ear earbuds. I was really pleased with mine until I lost an attachment. In my naivety I asked the retailer if they could supply spares – no they couldn’t. Contact Yahba directly they suggested. I’ve done that twice now – and they steadfastly refuse to reply. If you are considering throwing away your Yahbas because of a mislaid piece of silicone can I please have the one that you still have? Of course, if you find yourself very hard of hearing in one ear it may be that you do after all have an exorbitant auditory impediment. Don’t be tempted to use a cocktail stick however – seek professional help. I’m reminded of an incident years back when a colleague was absent mindedly ‘itching’ his ear with a pencil – stood too close to a door which unexpectedly opened. You don’t want to know the rest!

(This blog is proud to claim that its Health & Safety stance has earned it the Literary Medical Practitioners Association bronze award – the only web based column to have received that endorsement).

Isn't life a ........

It's 4 months since I poked the keyboard in blog mode - why have there been NO letters of protest? Oh, I remember now, no one actually reads this stuff - is that why I stopped? Can't remember. The other thing I couldn't remember was my login to blogger.com - nearly gave up after trying all my known aliases - I was at the point of saying sod it when it all came back to me. Isn't life a little tease?

I'm feeling a bit low currently. Someone who I am very fond of and hoped would become a good friend (I'm talking mates here, not lovers OK?) has made it plain by her refusal to respond (yes, it is a she - that's not illegal is it?) that I am not to be admitted to her friends circle - but to be kept at arms length until a favour is needed and then pushed away again. If only real life was as easy as MySpace - where with a click of the mouse you can turn someone you've never met and don't know anything about into a 'friend'. Isn't life a bitch?

Major embarrassment at work. I organised a World Cup competition (very complicated, entrants had to forecast the scores in every one of the 64 games and earned points for how near they were to the actual score). I do it every 2 years (World Cup and European Championships) and it's controlled by an amazingly complicated spreadsheet that calculates everything once the results are fed in. It's such a complex sheet (hidden cells with nested functions, macros etc) that I have to spend an evening working out what it does whenever I dust it off - and I wrote it!!!! That was years ago when I was a fair bit cleverer than I am now. Anyway, we had 132 entries - each paying 2 pounds (sterling) and each night I would update the spreadsheet and next day publish the current points table at work so people could see how they were doing.

After halfway I began to figure prominently on the leaderboard. With a week to go I was on top spot and then just pulled away. I won my own competition having been in charge of the data and the device for calculating the points. How dodgy did that look? I'd bought a trophy and ended up keeping it myself as well as collecting a healthy cash prize. When I gave the second prize (£40) to a delighted runner-up she gave me a bottle of wine as a thank you for organising the competition. I said "Don't be silly. I WON the thing - I don't want a gift from the runner-up" but I was forced to accept that too. Isn't life bizarre?

And now a commercial. Darkhorse Radio is the best indie music show in the UK (and probably the world - but I can't officially claim that yet, the survey is still being processed). You can hear it at
www.DarkhorseRadio.com
at the bottom of every show is a 'Play' button. Click on that and enjoy a rich variety of excellent music from independent artists - the best from around the world. It's FREE - you don't need an iPod!!! It's played over the internet not the radio and it's bloody good! Maybe I should mention that it's my podcast. If you send me an email I'll tell you how to have it delivered into iTunes automatically. Isn't life a delight?

Darkhorse Radio

Don't panic I'm still here, and I still have things to say - I've been neglecting my blog because I've been putting a lot of time & effort into the Darkhorse Radio Podcast Experiment - I now have a weekly 'podcast' how good is that? Christine (from W. Australia) doesn't care for the music (why not - it's amazingly good?) but she listens because she likes my voice - shall I forgive her or what? I never dreamed that a weekly music show (20 mins) would demand so much of my time! Oh, I had a domestic 'split' to deal with as well, but when I started blogging I decided not to involve my private life so that's as far as I'm going with that!

The podcast message is something that I'm taking into college too - I'm now running 'podcast awareness' sessions for teachers - it's good stuff you know - one of the delegates this week said he wished he had my job - looking at IT developments, playing with the technology and running workshops. Well, it can be fun, but I do an awful lot at home you know - if you come on one of my courses you expect it to be thorough and supported by easy to understand tutorial handouts etc - that doesn't just happen you know. I've appointed myself as the 'podfather' at my college (I don't think I should say which one - but it's Cheshire and it's F.E.) a term which I borrowed from Adam Curry (your homework is to find out who he is) who won't mind I'm sure.

Right - I won't do any more blogging unless you listen to Darkhorse Radio - here's the website
www.DarkhorseRadio.co.uk
you can 'subscribe' (that means get all the shows delivered automatically, you don't pay anything - but send me lots of cash if your conscience is compelling you to do so) in iTunes by clicking Podcast Directory (bottom of iTunes screen) typing Darkhorse Radio as the search item and clicking the Subscribe button against Darkhorse Radio podcast. (Tell your friends to subscribe too - the more who do that , the more I can do with the show. ) The feed address (if you're technical and want to manually subscribe) is http://feeds.feedburner.com/DarkhorseRadio

I've lots to say after my long absence, but that's for next time (watch out Time Warner - I'm going to publish my email exchange which I don't think shows you in the best light).

luv'n'stuff
Alan

look out for the anarchists

I found out yesterday that people go into post offices and steal passport application forms. That’s what I was told when I asked why I had to queue for 20 mins just to get a form that should have been available in the shop without having to go to the counter. Please be vigilant whenever you are taxing your car, collecting your pension etc. If you notice suspicious characters grabbing handfuls of passport applications then you must do the good citizen thing and apprehend them. If we don’t nip this kind of behaviour in the bud we’ll be accessories to anarchy. (Also, deal firmly with people who spit in public.)

I had a look at my website stats today - a pointless exercise since they are complete gibberish to me. As a responsible user of the information superhighway, however, I feel that if my web host puts in the effort to collect this data then I should do them the courtesy of glancing at it once a year.

Now, I’m really freaked out. Hidden away in the January analysis of countries that have been looking at ‘darkhorse’ (featuring at position 21, between Cyprus and Spain) is US Military. (Action for me : email my web hosts and explain the difference between a country and a superpower militia.) I know, let’s check December. That’s strange - the Military have dropped out but the US Government have appeared at #26. Why are they spying on me? Might I find myself on a one way flight to Guantanamo Bay any day now? Perhaps if I explain that I don't have a current passport.................................!

a simple error

I invented a new word today - 'bewilderness' - a place where nothing makes sense. Julian (a music technician of my acquaintance, who is a prolific songwriter) has stolen it to use in a song, whilst shamelessly announcing that I won't get any royalties. As I understand it, Julian hasn't ever had any royalties from any of his efforts to date so I am not feeling at all cheated by his underhand behaviour. Jack came out with 'mahoganist' the other day - but rather than exhibiting brilliant inventiveness (like his Dad) he just got the wrong word. What a good one though! Despite the stiff competition, podcatcher remains my favourite word so far for 2006.

Major embarrassment with my recent Richard Ashcroft review. I was anxious to get it out BEFORE the album was released and in my rush I failed to notice that the track which I nominated as the best ('Simple Song') wasn't him at all! Well I did notice that his voice was totally different on that track, but they can do things like that in the studio can't they? Actually some complete donkey brain had 'shared' an mp3 of the Lyle Lovett song of the same name under a Richard Ashcroft label. I did a double check later and discovered the truth. It's a good job nobody reads these meanderings eh!

Actually, I do quite like the album - 'Simple Song' is a good track but the best was saved for last - 'World Keeps Turning'. You know it's good when it finishes before you want it to. I was reminded of Dylan, Neil Diamond and Cat Stevens at various times throughout the album - I can't help doing that 'sounds like' thing. As an example, listen to the My Morning Jacket song 'Gideon'. Now, have they been listening to 'Won't Get Fooled Again' or am I barking up the wrong mahogany in my bewilderness?

an Arts Review special

I listened to a preview of the new Richard Ashcroft album today. I do think he picked the strongest song for the single (Break the Night ....) and on first hearing there are only a couple of other tracks that stand out (Simple Song being the best) - but maybe it'll grow on me. I'm still worried about him saying that he knows what it's like to be Jesus - having touched so many people. Will someone please tell me that he didn't really say that.

Here's a band that you might like if New Canadian Soft Rock is your thing - 'Raised By Swans' (nice name eh!) whose song Violetlight I heard on CBC Radio3's podcast (#34). The 1 hour broadcast is updated each week - the DJ is very annoying at first, but strangely I have warmed to him now, and he does string tracks together without interruption (I'd do that too if I was a radio jock). Apart from the excellent 'The Arcade Fire' I haven't heard any of the stuff that he plays - a mix of rock, punk, indie etc etc. The 'swans' allow you to download 3 tracks from their debut album (including Violetlight - which didn't go down very well in the office, but what do 'pie eaters' know about music anyway!). Paste this URL into your podcatcher (I love that word) to access the shows - http://www.cbcradio3.com/podcast/standard/

What do you think of the artwork - a piece called Palabras Secretas by Raphael Santiago? It's about keeping secrets - the words are there, but we can't allow them to be seen. I'll tell you more about this exciting modern artist in a future blog. Meanwhile, if you want a signed copy I've got one for sale. Can you afford it?

Talking of modern art - what do you think of Paul McCarthy? One of his most famous works is an installation called The Garden which has a full size animatronic man making love to a tree whilst another mechanised male gets friendly with a hole in the ground. That's one of his less revolting pieces. Did I say art? He makes Tracey Emin look like the sort of girl you could introduce to the vicar!

Is it just me ...............

On Christmas Day evening as everyone else was watching TV I sat down for a good read. I had treated myself to Is it Just Me or is Everything Shit?
(Steve Lowe & Alan McArthur) which has been one of the hot sellers this Christmas (source: Sunday Times book charts and Amazon Hot 100) and here was a chance to find out why. It was a promising start - amusing attacks on “modern culture, phoney ideas, cretinous people, useless products” (as it says on the tin). Fairly quickly however I found myself becoming irritated with the liberal use of expletives, often accompanying vicious attacks on people or organisations. The subject matter is arranged alphabetically and by the time I arrived at the C’s I was having serious misgivings. When I reached the entry for Charles, Prince of Wales I knew that I’d made a mistake parting with my cash.

More of that in a moment but firstly, a couple of random examples to illustrate my point. Comedian Jimmy Carr is described as a “grasping c**t “ - now, is it just me or is that not funny? Powerpoint - “the Microsoft tool that encourages people to think and talk like f**kheads.” How clever is that? I think that particular term could fairly be used to describe the authors of this rubbish.

Returning to our future king. This is what the authors say:
“f**king freak” …….. “usurious c**t” and, saving the most disgusting bile for the end, “loony feudal shithead jug-eared parasite bastard”. Whatever your views on the value of royalty, the vitriol fired at Prince Charles and others in order to raise a cheap laugh exposes this compilation as the worst kind of offensive, puerile humour which doesn’t deserve to have made it into print.

The authors have an interesting pedigree - Steve Lowe has worked for Q and Big Issue magazines (do they have a section for juvenile anarchists?) . Alan McArthur is a former deputy editor of Solidarity (the publication of the Marxist / Trotskyist organisation - the Alliance Workers’ Liberty). Well I just bet that Solidarity is a rollicking good read - excuse me if I don’t bother to find out - I’m trying to subdue my Trotskyist tendencies - although I do support McArthur’s campaign for free education (just what would he teach them though?).

Actually, I found this book an education. Quite why a major international publisher should put their name on this rubbish is a mystery to me. Time Warner Books did, that was an education. Now, in order that it should be a free education, I returned it to Waterstones and got my money back - I know that Lowe and McArthur would have approved of that! Maybe volume 2 of ‘…Shit’ (next Christmas for sure) will be free? If it is I might even pick up a copy - there is bound to be plenty of inspiration for another irate blog before I drop it into the recycling skip.

To finish on a pleasanter note - here's a secret that I'm letting you into. Fru-Grains! You will probably never have heard of them and you won't find them in the supermarkets. Here's what you do now. Get to your local healthfood shop and grab a couple of boxes. You can trust me on this, you'll be wondering why no one told you years ago. They taste wonderful on cereals or just munched out of the box if you're feeling slobbish. (I've received no reward for this endorsement from those nice folk at Mapletons, but if they want to slip me an envelope full of cash I'll not turn it down.)

?

I bought three books at Christmas.

• Does Anything Eat Wasps? (it turns out that lots of other creatures do!)
• Who Moved My BlackBerry?
• Is it Just Me or is Everything Shit?

Do you notice anything there? I'm worried now.
I appear to have fallen for a marketing trick.

Publisher "How are we going to get this book into the bestsellers list?"
Marketer "Put a question mark at the end of the title. You'll be selling them faster than you can print them."
Publisher "Yeah? Even if it's tat?"
Marketer "Sure. Just bring it out in November for the Christmas shoppers. They buy this stuff without even looking inside the covers."

I shall be reviewing one of these books in a blog or two (watch out Time Warner - I'm annoyed)

scanning the news

I bought a newspaper on Saturday from Tesco. That was the only item I had so I went to the self-checkout (there was a queue at the ‘quickie’ till). I expect most people find these virtual till staff useful, but I don’t seem to be able to strike up a satisfactory relationship with the creatures. Probably they can sense the trepidation. Having successfully scanned ‘The Independent’ barcode I was then greeted with ‘Approval required for this item’. Further, I am instructed to place the item in the ‘holding bin’ (oh right, where the hell is that then?) whilst a flashing light on a pole is supposed to summon assistance in human form.

I finally figured out the ‘holding bin’ thing but that didn’t help - so I simply have to wait to be rescued. I admit that I did think about defeating the machine by walking out with my paper. I’m feeling angry now - all I wanted was a bloody newspaper and I’m trapped by a foul up somewhere in this monster organisation’s database. Whilst pondering my options a Tesco human finally appears and keys in a few numbers which helps the machine decide that I can be trusted with ‘The Independent’. I’m still angry. “Why did it need approval for a newspaper?” I enquired (maybe slightly aggressively). “I don’t know - there must be something in it” suggested the human with a shrug of indifference. Aha, now I understand - the e-checkout device is applying good taste criteria to the daily news. Although I will never buy ‘The Sun’ or the ‘News of the World’ this is nevertheless a worrying development. I’m going back to the ‘quickie’ till next time - come to think of it I’ll play really safe and go to Sainsburys.

(I think that the problem must have been the feature on the preening Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen in the magazine section. The machine needn’t have worried - I’d rather read the financial section than his self-obsessed drivel.)

I'm including a photo of the Laxey Wheel (Isle of Man) because I've been admonished for not posting any IOM images on my website. Sorry Liz (landlady of the excellent Lower Ballafodda guest house, near Ballabeg) I'll see what I can do.