collecting my thoughts

The process of making a cup of tea in the workplace has recently become more pleasurable than actually drinking it. I’ve moved office and now to make a drink I have to go to the store room in the college library where new books are kept whilst the process of cataloguing takes its measured course.

Yesterday I was intrigued by a book called ‘Inflagrante Collecto (caught in the act of collecting)’. I had to return at lunchtime to have a good browse. I liked the statement “humanity can be divided into two parts: those who collect and the others”. I belong to the first group and therefore have some empathy with those who collect the irrelevant, worthless minutiae that this book illustrates. What was really fascinating was the realisation that nothing is off limits. I’ve heard of people who collect shopping lists (found in supermarket trolleys) but hadn’t considered airline safety instructions as items for a collection. How does that work? And do people who collect air sickness bags (apparently there are such people) book flights because they don’t have a bag from Qatar Air for example? Do they go to swap meets? What do these people look like? How near to insanity are the folk who collect the tiny ‘Inspected by’ slips that you find in clothing or cheap electrical goods (often made in China)?

What about Lost Pet poster collectors (surely these people need psychiatric help) – is there a code of conduct that says don’t remove the poster for your collection until it has served its purpose? How does the collector know when that is?

“Oh hello, I’m ringing to see if you ever found your missing cat”
“No, Skimbleshanks never returned – have you found him?”
“No – but is it OK if I take down the poster to put in my collection?”
“F*** OFF you sick bastard”

The strangest things that I have collected are Google gifs – the special occasion designs that give the well known logo a new persona for the day. I can justify this – I’m hoping to get our graphics students to undertake a Google gif design challenge and my examples will illustrate the possibilities. That may just be an excuse though – how do I know what the real reason is? Am I clinically insane already?

I’m now into week 2 of my ‘Severe Disruption’ sentence (a 6 week driving ban) – I’m supposed to be grateful that my powers of eloquence and persuasion convinced the magistrates to slash the usual 6 month minimum ban.

The day after my court appearance the front page article in The Times tells me that assaulting a policeman will be one of a range of offences which will be dealt with by an automatic fine (of up to £100) from next year, thus relieving the strain on the courts. That made me feel good – I was subjected to 6 weeks ‘Severe Disruption’ and given a £185 fine for driving at 38mph (in an area that I assumed to be 40mph) whereas if I’d smacked a policeman instead, I would have saved at least £85 and wouldn’t have had to go to court. Isn’t it frustrating when you know something is completely stupid but the government is so out of touch with reality that they have no idea about the real world. Some of those guys need serious counselling.

Finally, please be very wary of any Surrealists in your neighbourhood. Whilst waiting for this morning’s Taylors of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea to brew I picked up a publication called Surrealism with an eye opening Andre Breton quote on the back cover. He must have been having a bad day when he came out with this shocker

"the simplest surrealist act consists of going into the street with revolvers in your fist and shooting blindly into the crowd as much as possible. Anyone who has never felt the desire to deal thus with the current wretched principle of humiliation and stultification clearly belongs in this crowd himself with his belly at bullet height."

I wonder if the police maintain a register of known Surrealists? These folk must be watched closely!