look out for the anarchists

I found out yesterday that people go into post offices and steal passport application forms. That’s what I was told when I asked why I had to queue for 20 mins just to get a form that should have been available in the shop without having to go to the counter. Please be vigilant whenever you are taxing your car, collecting your pension etc. If you notice suspicious characters grabbing handfuls of passport applications then you must do the good citizen thing and apprehend them. If we don’t nip this kind of behaviour in the bud we’ll be accessories to anarchy. (Also, deal firmly with people who spit in public.)

I had a look at my website stats today - a pointless exercise since they are complete gibberish to me. As a responsible user of the information superhighway, however, I feel that if my web host puts in the effort to collect this data then I should do them the courtesy of glancing at it once a year.

Now, I’m really freaked out. Hidden away in the January analysis of countries that have been looking at ‘darkhorse’ (featuring at position 21, between Cyprus and Spain) is US Military. (Action for me : email my web hosts and explain the difference between a country and a superpower militia.) I know, let’s check December. That’s strange - the Military have dropped out but the US Government have appeared at #26. Why are they spying on me? Might I find myself on a one way flight to Guantanamo Bay any day now? Perhaps if I explain that I don't have a current passport.................................!

a simple error

I invented a new word today - 'bewilderness' - a place where nothing makes sense. Julian (a music technician of my acquaintance, who is a prolific songwriter) has stolen it to use in a song, whilst shamelessly announcing that I won't get any royalties. As I understand it, Julian hasn't ever had any royalties from any of his efforts to date so I am not feeling at all cheated by his underhand behaviour. Jack came out with 'mahoganist' the other day - but rather than exhibiting brilliant inventiveness (like his Dad) he just got the wrong word. What a good one though! Despite the stiff competition, podcatcher remains my favourite word so far for 2006.

Major embarrassment with my recent Richard Ashcroft review. I was anxious to get it out BEFORE the album was released and in my rush I failed to notice that the track which I nominated as the best ('Simple Song') wasn't him at all! Well I did notice that his voice was totally different on that track, but they can do things like that in the studio can't they? Actually some complete donkey brain had 'shared' an mp3 of the Lyle Lovett song of the same name under a Richard Ashcroft label. I did a double check later and discovered the truth. It's a good job nobody reads these meanderings eh!

Actually, I do quite like the album - 'Simple Song' is a good track but the best was saved for last - 'World Keeps Turning'. You know it's good when it finishes before you want it to. I was reminded of Dylan, Neil Diamond and Cat Stevens at various times throughout the album - I can't help doing that 'sounds like' thing. As an example, listen to the My Morning Jacket song 'Gideon'. Now, have they been listening to 'Won't Get Fooled Again' or am I barking up the wrong mahogany in my bewilderness?

an Arts Review special

I listened to a preview of the new Richard Ashcroft album today. I do think he picked the strongest song for the single (Break the Night ....) and on first hearing there are only a couple of other tracks that stand out (Simple Song being the best) - but maybe it'll grow on me. I'm still worried about him saying that he knows what it's like to be Jesus - having touched so many people. Will someone please tell me that he didn't really say that.

Here's a band that you might like if New Canadian Soft Rock is your thing - 'Raised By Swans' (nice name eh!) whose song Violetlight I heard on CBC Radio3's podcast (#34). The 1 hour broadcast is updated each week - the DJ is very annoying at first, but strangely I have warmed to him now, and he does string tracks together without interruption (I'd do that too if I was a radio jock). Apart from the excellent 'The Arcade Fire' I haven't heard any of the stuff that he plays - a mix of rock, punk, indie etc etc. The 'swans' allow you to download 3 tracks from their debut album (including Violetlight - which didn't go down very well in the office, but what do 'pie eaters' know about music anyway!). Paste this URL into your podcatcher (I love that word) to access the shows - http://www.cbcradio3.com/podcast/standard/

What do you think of the artwork - a piece called Palabras Secretas by Raphael Santiago? It's about keeping secrets - the words are there, but we can't allow them to be seen. I'll tell you more about this exciting modern artist in a future blog. Meanwhile, if you want a signed copy I've got one for sale. Can you afford it?

Talking of modern art - what do you think of Paul McCarthy? One of his most famous works is an installation called The Garden which has a full size animatronic man making love to a tree whilst another mechanised male gets friendly with a hole in the ground. That's one of his less revolting pieces. Did I say art? He makes Tracey Emin look like the sort of girl you could introduce to the vicar!

Is it just me ...............

On Christmas Day evening as everyone else was watching TV I sat down for a good read. I had treated myself to Is it Just Me or is Everything Shit?
(Steve Lowe & Alan McArthur) which has been one of the hot sellers this Christmas (source: Sunday Times book charts and Amazon Hot 100) and here was a chance to find out why. It was a promising start - amusing attacks on “modern culture, phoney ideas, cretinous people, useless products” (as it says on the tin). Fairly quickly however I found myself becoming irritated with the liberal use of expletives, often accompanying vicious attacks on people or organisations. The subject matter is arranged alphabetically and by the time I arrived at the C’s I was having serious misgivings. When I reached the entry for Charles, Prince of Wales I knew that I’d made a mistake parting with my cash.

More of that in a moment but firstly, a couple of random examples to illustrate my point. Comedian Jimmy Carr is described as a “grasping c**t “ - now, is it just me or is that not funny? Powerpoint - “the Microsoft tool that encourages people to think and talk like f**kheads.” How clever is that? I think that particular term could fairly be used to describe the authors of this rubbish.

Returning to our future king. This is what the authors say:
“f**king freak” …….. “usurious c**t” and, saving the most disgusting bile for the end, “loony feudal shithead jug-eared parasite bastard”. Whatever your views on the value of royalty, the vitriol fired at Prince Charles and others in order to raise a cheap laugh exposes this compilation as the worst kind of offensive, puerile humour which doesn’t deserve to have made it into print.

The authors have an interesting pedigree - Steve Lowe has worked for Q and Big Issue magazines (do they have a section for juvenile anarchists?) . Alan McArthur is a former deputy editor of Solidarity (the publication of the Marxist / Trotskyist organisation - the Alliance Workers’ Liberty). Well I just bet that Solidarity is a rollicking good read - excuse me if I don’t bother to find out - I’m trying to subdue my Trotskyist tendencies - although I do support McArthur’s campaign for free education (just what would he teach them though?).

Actually, I found this book an education. Quite why a major international publisher should put their name on this rubbish is a mystery to me. Time Warner Books did, that was an education. Now, in order that it should be a free education, I returned it to Waterstones and got my money back - I know that Lowe and McArthur would have approved of that! Maybe volume 2 of ‘…Shit’ (next Christmas for sure) will be free? If it is I might even pick up a copy - there is bound to be plenty of inspiration for another irate blog before I drop it into the recycling skip.

To finish on a pleasanter note - here's a secret that I'm letting you into. Fru-Grains! You will probably never have heard of them and you won't find them in the supermarkets. Here's what you do now. Get to your local healthfood shop and grab a couple of boxes. You can trust me on this, you'll be wondering why no one told you years ago. They taste wonderful on cereals or just munched out of the box if you're feeling slobbish. (I've received no reward for this endorsement from those nice folk at Mapletons, but if they want to slip me an envelope full of cash I'll not turn it down.)

?

I bought three books at Christmas.

• Does Anything Eat Wasps? (it turns out that lots of other creatures do!)
• Who Moved My BlackBerry?
• Is it Just Me or is Everything Shit?

Do you notice anything there? I'm worried now.
I appear to have fallen for a marketing trick.

Publisher "How are we going to get this book into the bestsellers list?"
Marketer "Put a question mark at the end of the title. You'll be selling them faster than you can print them."
Publisher "Yeah? Even if it's tat?"
Marketer "Sure. Just bring it out in November for the Christmas shoppers. They buy this stuff without even looking inside the covers."

I shall be reviewing one of these books in a blog or two (watch out Time Warner - I'm annoyed)

scanning the news

I bought a newspaper on Saturday from Tesco. That was the only item I had so I went to the self-checkout (there was a queue at the ‘quickie’ till). I expect most people find these virtual till staff useful, but I don’t seem to be able to strike up a satisfactory relationship with the creatures. Probably they can sense the trepidation. Having successfully scanned ‘The Independent’ barcode I was then greeted with ‘Approval required for this item’. Further, I am instructed to place the item in the ‘holding bin’ (oh right, where the hell is that then?) whilst a flashing light on a pole is supposed to summon assistance in human form.

I finally figured out the ‘holding bin’ thing but that didn’t help - so I simply have to wait to be rescued. I admit that I did think about defeating the machine by walking out with my paper. I’m feeling angry now - all I wanted was a bloody newspaper and I’m trapped by a foul up somewhere in this monster organisation’s database. Whilst pondering my options a Tesco human finally appears and keys in a few numbers which helps the machine decide that I can be trusted with ‘The Independent’. I’m still angry. “Why did it need approval for a newspaper?” I enquired (maybe slightly aggressively). “I don’t know - there must be something in it” suggested the human with a shrug of indifference. Aha, now I understand - the e-checkout device is applying good taste criteria to the daily news. Although I will never buy ‘The Sun’ or the ‘News of the World’ this is nevertheless a worrying development. I’m going back to the ‘quickie’ till next time - come to think of it I’ll play really safe and go to Sainsburys.

(I think that the problem must have been the feature on the preening Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen in the magazine section. The machine needn’t have worried - I’d rather read the financial section than his self-obsessed drivel.)

I'm including a photo of the Laxey Wheel (Isle of Man) because I've been admonished for not posting any IOM images on my website. Sorry Liz (landlady of the excellent Lower Ballafodda guest house, near Ballabeg) I'll see what I can do.