an Arts Review special

I listened to a preview of the new Richard Ashcroft album today. I do think he picked the strongest song for the single (Break the Night ....) and on first hearing there are only a couple of other tracks that stand out (Simple Song being the best) - but maybe it'll grow on me. I'm still worried about him saying that he knows what it's like to be Jesus - having touched so many people. Will someone please tell me that he didn't really say that.

Here's a band that you might like if New Canadian Soft Rock is your thing - 'Raised By Swans' (nice name eh!) whose song Violetlight I heard on CBC Radio3's podcast (#34). The 1 hour broadcast is updated each week - the DJ is very annoying at first, but strangely I have warmed to him now, and he does string tracks together without interruption (I'd do that too if I was a radio jock). Apart from the excellent 'The Arcade Fire' I haven't heard any of the stuff that he plays - a mix of rock, punk, indie etc etc. The 'swans' allow you to download 3 tracks from their debut album (including Violetlight - which didn't go down very well in the office, but what do 'pie eaters' know about music anyway!). Paste this URL into your podcatcher (I love that word) to access the shows - http://www.cbcradio3.com/podcast/standard/

What do you think of the artwork - a piece called Palabras Secretas by Raphael Santiago? It's about keeping secrets - the words are there, but we can't allow them to be seen. I'll tell you more about this exciting modern artist in a future blog. Meanwhile, if you want a signed copy I've got one for sale. Can you afford it?

Talking of modern art - what do you think of Paul McCarthy? One of his most famous works is an installation called The Garden which has a full size animatronic man making love to a tree whilst another mechanised male gets friendly with a hole in the ground. That's one of his less revolting pieces. Did I say art? He makes Tracey Emin look like the sort of girl you could introduce to the vicar!

Is it just me ...............

On Christmas Day evening as everyone else was watching TV I sat down for a good read. I had treated myself to Is it Just Me or is Everything Shit?
(Steve Lowe & Alan McArthur) which has been one of the hot sellers this Christmas (source: Sunday Times book charts and Amazon Hot 100) and here was a chance to find out why. It was a promising start - amusing attacks on “modern culture, phoney ideas, cretinous people, useless products” (as it says on the tin). Fairly quickly however I found myself becoming irritated with the liberal use of expletives, often accompanying vicious attacks on people or organisations. The subject matter is arranged alphabetically and by the time I arrived at the C’s I was having serious misgivings. When I reached the entry for Charles, Prince of Wales I knew that I’d made a mistake parting with my cash.

More of that in a moment but firstly, a couple of random examples to illustrate my point. Comedian Jimmy Carr is described as a “grasping c**t “ - now, is it just me or is that not funny? Powerpoint - “the Microsoft tool that encourages people to think and talk like f**kheads.” How clever is that? I think that particular term could fairly be used to describe the authors of this rubbish.

Returning to our future king. This is what the authors say:
“f**king freak” …….. “usurious c**t” and, saving the most disgusting bile for the end, “loony feudal shithead jug-eared parasite bastard”. Whatever your views on the value of royalty, the vitriol fired at Prince Charles and others in order to raise a cheap laugh exposes this compilation as the worst kind of offensive, puerile humour which doesn’t deserve to have made it into print.

The authors have an interesting pedigree - Steve Lowe has worked for Q and Big Issue magazines (do they have a section for juvenile anarchists?) . Alan McArthur is a former deputy editor of Solidarity (the publication of the Marxist / Trotskyist organisation - the Alliance Workers’ Liberty). Well I just bet that Solidarity is a rollicking good read - excuse me if I don’t bother to find out - I’m trying to subdue my Trotskyist tendencies - although I do support McArthur’s campaign for free education (just what would he teach them though?).

Actually, I found this book an education. Quite why a major international publisher should put their name on this rubbish is a mystery to me. Time Warner Books did, that was an education. Now, in order that it should be a free education, I returned it to Waterstones and got my money back - I know that Lowe and McArthur would have approved of that! Maybe volume 2 of ‘…Shit’ (next Christmas for sure) will be free? If it is I might even pick up a copy - there is bound to be plenty of inspiration for another irate blog before I drop it into the recycling skip.

To finish on a pleasanter note - here's a secret that I'm letting you into. Fru-Grains! You will probably never have heard of them and you won't find them in the supermarkets. Here's what you do now. Get to your local healthfood shop and grab a couple of boxes. You can trust me on this, you'll be wondering why no one told you years ago. They taste wonderful on cereals or just munched out of the box if you're feeling slobbish. (I've received no reward for this endorsement from those nice folk at Mapletons, but if they want to slip me an envelope full of cash I'll not turn it down.)

?

I bought three books at Christmas.

• Does Anything Eat Wasps? (it turns out that lots of other creatures do!)
• Who Moved My BlackBerry?
• Is it Just Me or is Everything Shit?

Do you notice anything there? I'm worried now.
I appear to have fallen for a marketing trick.

Publisher "How are we going to get this book into the bestsellers list?"
Marketer "Put a question mark at the end of the title. You'll be selling them faster than you can print them."
Publisher "Yeah? Even if it's tat?"
Marketer "Sure. Just bring it out in November for the Christmas shoppers. They buy this stuff without even looking inside the covers."

I shall be reviewing one of these books in a blog or two (watch out Time Warner - I'm annoyed)

scanning the news

I bought a newspaper on Saturday from Tesco. That was the only item I had so I went to the self-checkout (there was a queue at the ‘quickie’ till). I expect most people find these virtual till staff useful, but I don’t seem to be able to strike up a satisfactory relationship with the creatures. Probably they can sense the trepidation. Having successfully scanned ‘The Independent’ barcode I was then greeted with ‘Approval required for this item’. Further, I am instructed to place the item in the ‘holding bin’ (oh right, where the hell is that then?) whilst a flashing light on a pole is supposed to summon assistance in human form.

I finally figured out the ‘holding bin’ thing but that didn’t help - so I simply have to wait to be rescued. I admit that I did think about defeating the machine by walking out with my paper. I’m feeling angry now - all I wanted was a bloody newspaper and I’m trapped by a foul up somewhere in this monster organisation’s database. Whilst pondering my options a Tesco human finally appears and keys in a few numbers which helps the machine decide that I can be trusted with ‘The Independent’. I’m still angry. “Why did it need approval for a newspaper?” I enquired (maybe slightly aggressively). “I don’t know - there must be something in it” suggested the human with a shrug of indifference. Aha, now I understand - the e-checkout device is applying good taste criteria to the daily news. Although I will never buy ‘The Sun’ or the ‘News of the World’ this is nevertheless a worrying development. I’m going back to the ‘quickie’ till next time - come to think of it I’ll play really safe and go to Sainsburys.

(I think that the problem must have been the feature on the preening Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen in the magazine section. The machine needn’t have worried - I’d rather read the financial section than his self-obsessed drivel.)

I'm including a photo of the Laxey Wheel (Isle of Man) because I've been admonished for not posting any IOM images on my website. Sorry Liz (landlady of the excellent Lower Ballafodda guest house, near Ballabeg) I'll see what I can do.

too cold for Wusty

Winter arrived last night, leaving a heavy dusting of frost over Cheshire which stubbornly clung to branches and leaves throughout the sub-zero day. Every country scene providing its own ‘Christmascardscape’. The forecast is for snow tonight and tomorrow. We don’t ‘do’ cold very well in Britain - one newspaper headline warns this morning of panic buying of food and fuel - a self-fulfilling prophesy from a paper that should know better.

Instead of rushing out to stockpile bread, milk and petrol I stayed in with the cat (it’s much too cold for him outside) and watched an American college friends drama about the 70s - the redeeming feature of which was the soundtrack - wonderful oldies all the way through. When it finished I had to play Blondie’s ‘One Way or Another’ and Linda Ronstadt’s ‘Just One Look’ (much better than the Hollies’ version) - I’d forgotten how good they were.

a Christmas fairytale

Spare a thought for poor old Shane MacGowan and his fellow Pogues. They must be fed up of having to perform their 1988 Christmas song which in recent years has become everybody’s seasonal favourite. It used to be one of mine - I even bought a Pogues CD several years ago. Now I know that this is tantamount to heresy but I can’t be doing with ‘Fairytale’ anymore. Everywhere you go it is blaring out (supermarkets are the worst offenders) and to compound the felony it’s just been re-recorded (with Katie Melua) in an attempt to achieve the UK Christmas No.1 (it actually made No.3).

What really makes me wince is hearing people say “Fairytale of New York is my favourite Christmas song” as if that’s something original. I reckon that, because it contains the words scumbag and faggot and the classic seasonal endearment “Happy Christmas you arse, I pray God it’s your last”, some folk think it’s excitingly rebellious - the nearest that they’ll ever get to showing two fingers to tradition. I wonder if that's why they say they like it? Now, I concede that it’s a good tune, that the lyrics are fine until two thirds into the song and that there’s a catchy chorus, but what why did you have to get so vulgar with a Christmas song Shane? I’ll bet that having to perform ‘Fairytale’ everytime you go on stage is such a pain - enough to turn you to drink eh! Well it serves you right - fancy agreeing to re-record it - or did the record company take advantage of you when you were slightly incapacitated?


Next year I hear that Noddy Holder is going to re-record Merry Xmas Everybody with Dido. It’ll be competing with Roy Wood and Charlotte Church (I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday) for that coveted top spot. Oh well, at least John Lennon can’t be bringing out a reworking of Happy Christmas (War is Over) unless ……………………….. You know what? I wouldn’t be surprised if those Westlife irritants are already working on their own version using Lennon’s digitally remastered vocals. PLEASE, don’t do it! I won’t say anything bad about ‘Fairytale’ ever again.

(the photo is from Liverpool’s excellent Mathew Street Festival - August 2005. It’s a huge FREE music festival over 3 days of the Bank Holiday weekend - don’t miss it next Summer!)

charity cards

It is time for the great unveiling - the 2005 Christmas card. I used sealing wax with a stamp of the Chinese symbol for 'Peace'. How they managed with that stuff in the old days I don't know. It just isn't as easy as you may think. The wax melts very slowly and you have to be accurate with your aim on the paper. Then the light goes out (it doesn't burn as easily as a candle) before you have produced enough wax (you need a lot more than you think for a stamped seal). Then, if you're not careful, it drips on the paper as you're taking it away - what a faff! Only a select few received my masterpiece - sorry if you got a 'normal' card - it really doesn't mean that I don't hold you in great affection!

Why do we send so many Christmas cards anyway? What is the point of sending a "to all at No. 15 from Jim, Jane and family (No. 24)" when you don't ever have any social involvement with them - and don't even know all the names? Let's be honest here - you don't even like them! You always thought that they were a bit ignorant - a view that was confirmed when you went door-to-door with the 'Help The Aged' envelopes and they told you that they don't give to charity.

Talking of charity, I always check to see if the incoming card has helped to raise money for a good cause. I think it's such a shame that so many non-charity cards are still bought. I expect that the people who buy the purely commercial Christmas cards will argue that the charity cards don't give them the choice that they want - or that the quality isn't as good (snobs!) so I have devised the perfect solution which I am going to offer to the charities. I know it will be a big success, both here and internationally, and I will probably achieve an intellectual celebrity status (alongside people like Tim Berners-Lee and Sir Clive Sinclair) although I have determined to decline any invitation to join the next Big Brother Celebrity Special or anything that involves eating insects in the Australian jungle.

When I was making my own cards last year I felt as though I was cheating the charities from the revenue. So I made a donation for each card that I made. I did it again this year and then I had my brilliant idea. Here's the scoop.

The charities continue to sell their cards as normal but they also sell self-adhesive stickers (postage stamp size) which can be stuck onto the back of the non-charity card thereby making a contribution (25p per stamp?) at least the equal of the revenue from the charity card - which is probably very little after the cost of manufacture is taken into account. So, you can still go and get that 'quality' card from Marks & Spencer or PoshCards-R-Us AND turn it into a charity card. How neat is that? In case you're still not convinced, here is a mockup of a sample stamp. Remember - you saw it here first.

bored?
So, you're stuck for something to do during your extended Christmas holiday? Here's a link to a Sudoku download (100 puzzles in pdf format - varying difficulty)
http://www.computeractive.co.uk/vnunet/downloads/2144124/100-sudoku-puzzles
Thanks to Computer Active magazine for that - I'm actually going to buy a copy one day - perhaps when they produce a special podosphere edition.

Happy Christmas

almonds and moustaches

Talking of Christmas, did you know that crackers were introduced in Britain in the Victorian era by a confectioner who discovered a neat way to sell more sugared almonds? Unfortunately, the sugar coated nut has now been replaced by treasures such as tiny red plastic cars or something that looks like a black bat, which turns out to be a plastic moustache that you jam into your nostrils causing much traditional merriment around the meal table. I always wonder about the factory in China where this stuff is made. What do you suppose that the assembly line workers make of the 2 million moustaches that are turned out every day? I expect that they are told that the British are very strange people who love this worthless tat? If any of them should stumble across this blog (do they let you access the web in China?) I have to report that your information is, unfortunately, substantially correct!

The photo for this entry is Liverpool's Liver Building - a famous waterfront landmark. Do you like it? A Liverpudlian lady now living in Texas liked it - she liked it so much that she asked me to send her a print. I quoted her a very reasonable price which she happily accepted, and I posted the print over a year ago (I also included a 2nd, free, print). She promised me a cheque - I never received it. I emailed - she promised again - nothing! I emailed again, and again - she ignored me. My resolution for 2006 is to get my money. So, Vivian, if you are reading this I want you to know that I am not letting you get away with it. I admire the fact that you do charitable work with animals, but it's time to keep your promises with humans! (Watch this space for news of my campaign.)

I had a piece of good fortune a few days ago. I received £22 from the office lottery club. That's what we all received for contributing £1 a week for the last year. Come to think of it, maybe that doesn't qualify as good luck - it represents a loss of £30 over 52 weeks - that's almost 58p per week that Camelot have been sucking out of my wallet. Never mind, I expect that the Lottery Commission have passed it onto a worthy cause - perhaps it has helped to fund a lesbian arts workshop in Huddersfield, or a shedload of laptops for the Free Lithuanian Brotherhood Poetry and Writers Society.

My dentist's receptionist thinks that I'm a wonderful person. I called in to pay my bill and took back the copy of Private Eye that I'd 'borrowed' the week before - a crime which I confessed to in this blog. Far from bollocking me for theft, she was genuinely surprised that anyone would bother to return a magazine. Actually, she thought that I was a good guy anyway - you know how sometimes you can tell these things?

Christmas special

…... well there’s no getting away from it so I’m giving in - here is my first Christmas blog. Last week I went to an e-Learning event in a Lancashire college. (e-Learning / IT in teaching is the main thrust of my job - so occasionally I get to spend a day away from college). The main challenge at these events is to collect the free pens - only the good ones though. It is normally considered bad form to walk up to a vendor’s stand, grab the freebies and clear off, so it is sometimes necessary to pretend to be interested in a piece of software for graphing polynomials, or a set of electronic manuals covering every angle on health and safety in the construction industry. (If Katherine Jones from the Thomson stand reads this - I really was interested in your demonstration and I didn't take a pen and I will be following up the use of Infotrac in my college!)

Anyway, it being December, the event was called a Christmas Market and there amongst the freebies was a big box of Christmas crackers. OK, I admit it - I put a couple in my bag of handouts and pens. I’m telling you this because there was a really innovative ‘motto’ inside each cracker as we discovered at home over a festive weekend snack. If you are thinking of making your own crackers this year you may want to steal this idea. See the picture (click on it to enlarge)

The possibilities are endless - how to avoid the moire effect when scanning from a magazine - a quick way to create a parameter query in Access - configuring a podcatcher (isn’t that a brilliant word? I’m going to use it at every possible opportunity).

Here’s a photo of Manchester Town Hall (a wonderful piece of architecture) with the inflatable Santa gazing out over the city from his lofty perch. It was one of the possibilities for my Christmas card this year - but since it didn’t achieve that high honour I can unveil it here.

I learned something today when I was removing a net stocking (…..I’d better not elaborate on my thoughts at this point) . Don’t do it outside! You wont believe how much bulkier a Christmas tree becomes when released from its restraint and then it’s such a pig to get indoors - and the mess!

another place

the mail-to-blog wasn't a huge success to be honest. I lost all the formatting, had to remove a load of garbage from the end (my fault I forgot to put in the hash/end command on my email) - the headline didn't appear correctly and I couldn't use a photo. So I ended up doing a big edit just to whip it into shape - won't bother again unless I'm stranded in the mountains of Lesotho with an internet phone (I don't forsee that possibility in the immediate future, but do intend visiting that country when we have enough money to start building classrooms for Befole Primary School).


So, here's a couple of digipics just to break up the boring text. They are recent photos of Antony Gormley's 'Another Place' installation (100 full size body castings gazing out to sea) currently at Crosby beach (near Liverpool) and bound for New York when it leaves Crosby in November 2006.

Antony Gormley is famous for the 'Angel of the North' which can be seen near Gateshead (or a little nearer to home on the famous darkhorse website!)

remote control

This may be old hat to you seasoned bloggers, but I'm new to this and the option to post a blog by email from 'Gorlan Bach' (the log cabin in Snowdonia which, sadly, I will soon be losing) or Tierra del Fuego (notice the connection?) seems to give this activity a new dimension. Now that I think about it however I have to wonder why it would be necessary to do that. After all, if you have access to the net, why not post your blog the normal way? Maybe it's to do with mobile phones - or PDAs or whatever. Either way it has to be clever so this entry is by email from work. (It's my lunchtime so I'm not stealing college time, OK?) I have no idea what will happen at the 'breadcrumb' end of this operation, but I do know that you won't get a photo with it - the mail-to-blog facility doesn't allow it. Come on you Google blogging programmers - lets get that one sorted.

P.S. Have you heard Richard Ashcroft's 'Break the Night With Colour' - a pleasant chillout - it's off the new album - I might buy it if the rest of it is that good. And what about Jose Ganzalez? I'd never heard of him until I caught a track on the radio today - don't know what it was called but it was good so I'm going to have to investigate. Amazon tells me that his debut album is called Veneer. 'All Music Guide' calls it: "A striking collection of hushed and autumnal indie pop bedroom songs that reside on the hi-fi end of the lo-fi spectrum." (pretentious or what?). I'll check it out and report back.

streaming the pod

This is not a Godblog. I feel that I need to make that clear as I reflect that the photos in my first 2 entries were of a Roman Catholic cathedral and a stained glass window from an Anglican church.

Today's digipic features my home town – Northwich (Cheshire, UK). Whenever I pass this bridge in sunlight with the b/w buildings as a backdrop I think that I should take another photo although I am now undergoing therapy to help control this urge.

This may only be a short entry - but it contains a podcast! How impressive is that eh? It is a musical podcast (they don't have to be speech) and one that you won't find elsewhere on the web - it's KT Tunstall singing Bob Dylan's 'Simple Twist of Fate' - and there's more! The astonishing thing is that it comes to you as streaming audio which means it should play straight away without having to wait for the file to download (on a slow 56k modem this may not play without pausing but it will be fine on broadband of any flavour).
Click the link below to load the page with the streaming audio. If you get asked something technical about allowing Active Content then say OK - I assure you that I have nothing to gain by trashing your computer (think about it - how do I know that you're not frighteningly large with a history of violence?). Right, if it works, give a quid to Oxfam. Come on now, you're getting a really good song and taking part in a groundbreaking internet advance. (Students and OAPs - 50p)

CLICK HERE for the audio
after the page has loaded use the player controls to start/stop the music.

a confession


I stole something last week. I've stolen before from the same place. It's not that I am inherently evil - it just happens. There I am in the dentist's waiting room (my appointment is 10:20 but it's already 10:30 and there is still someone else waiting to go in before me) so I'm going to have to read something. My choice is Woman & Home, Caravan & Camper, Readers Digest, Private Eye and Motorcycle Monthly. Most of them are ripped and all of them are very old. I have to go with RD or PE (no one actually reads that other tat do they?) and after scanning several issues of each I find something that looks half interesting. Here's the problem. I'm just getting into the story - corruption in high office (labour council leader evicts elderly tennants from their homes and makes personal fortune from dodgy property development scheme) or heroism when faced with impossible odds (I was the sole survivor of a plane crash in the Himalayas - 437 dead) and the patient in front of me comes out from her treatment. They will be calling me in as soon as the dental nurse has washed the blood off the instruments and I will never finish the story. Twenty seconds to decide what to do. As casually as possible I slip the magazine into my coat pocket - just before the white coat calls me in for my treatment. No one else seems to have noticed - in fact I'm worryingly good at this. I resolve to take it back next time I go - that way I haven't really stolen anything, but I must admit that I've never made good on that promise yet!

Today's photo is from St. Anne's Church (St. Anne's Square, Manchester) and I'm afraid that it resulted in a bit of unpleasantness. I was looking for a photo for this year's Christmas card a couple of weeks ago and called in at the interesting little church whilst I was attending an e-Learning conference nearby. I had to miss a keynote speech by a high salaried dignitary from one of the government e-quangos, but it's never easy to stay awake during these 'motivational' presentations so I went to church instead! I wanted a photo of some stained glass and was grabbing a few shots when an appallingly rude churchwarden shouted (for all to hear) "It might have been nice if you'd asked permission to take photographs". Isn't it a great feeling when you know that you can make an arrogant prat look very stupid? "I did ask permission". "Who did you ask?", enquired the appallingly rude churchwarden. "The lady in the pews at the back", I helpfully explained, pointing to the lady in the pews at the back. With a mixture of embarrassment and contempt my accuser strode off. "It might have been nice if you'd apologised", I suggested, as the appallingly rude churchwarden disappeared.

Did I get my Christmas card photo? Can't tell you yet!

a Podcast Predicament

I was blackmailed again today - emotionally that is. I received yet another email containing spiritually rewarding, healthy living rules for becoming a good person (example: "don't let a little dispute spoil a great relationship" or "be gentle with the earth") the contents of which I couldn't really take issue with. These are the sort of sentiments that appear at the bottom of the page in Readers Digest (at the end of the story about the girl who has fought her way back into the Nepalese bobsleigh team after losing an arm in a grain silo accident). The point is that I have to pass it on in order to receive good fortune - within 96 hours specifically - the obvious corollary being that if I'm a selfish, idle arse who doesn't spread the good word then nice things won't happen to me. That is blackmail in anyone's book! What should I have done? By forwarding it I put someone else in the same predicament that I am in, and maybe I end up annoying a friend. On the other hand if we all adopt these mantras for living what a brilliant world we would find ourselves in. Sod it - I'll send it to Australia and see if the world gets just a little bit better (and if I get the promised good fortune). I'll report back after 96 hours or so.

This is my first blog - I should have mentioned that earlier (that's why there's a firework spectacular photo at the top of this page (I intend to show off with one of my digipics with each blog entry) and I don't know when my second will be (maybe tomorrow, maybe after Christmas - what suspense!). I'm going to have to get to grips with this blogging scene and I fully intend to embrace podcasting for good measure. I got interviewed by telephone for a podcast last week - so I speak with some authority on these matters. Also, a Very Eminent Government ILT Expert (VEGIE) wants to come to my college and interview me in the New Year because he thinks that I am a leading light in the podcast community (a slight misunderstanding which I was largely responsible for by writing an email to a group of IT professionals which sort of implied that I knew a thing or two about the game). This is absolutely true - so I am going to have to get up to speed a bit sharpish in order to maintain the guru status that I have accidentally acquired. I'll report back after the VEGIE has visited me.


P.S.
I have to thank Lizzie for bravely showing me her blog (well it's so personal and so many f-words! Quite shocking from such a well bred young spinster) and providing me with the incentive to start thebreadcrumbtrail. Where did that name come from? Oh come on you must be able to work that one out - clue - Irish rock music. Talking of music - have you heard The Stands (Horse Fabulous)? No? Go and check it out immediately. See you later

AJ